Sooo.... Here I am in AMERICA:) celebrating and surprising everyone around... what a great feeling:) but that's not what I planned on writing about.
For some time I am struggling with everything, life, thoughts, ideas, sin, decisions... I just can't find a place for myself. I completely lost all that I can call "will of God" in my life. I am so lost and just angry that I don't know what is the next step for me... I have a great job, my own apartment, family around, everything that I needed, at least thought that I needed. It's been 5 months since I came back from here. some might say just 5 months, some that it past so fast. I can say BOTH. It was a long time of questioning, wondering, time of process... and the weirdest thing is that I haven't found a place in there for me to feel home. Is it becuase I lived in US for so long or maybe I need some more time... I am not sure myself, I know one thing, I still, haven't found what I am looking for. My spiritual life, OH MAN... I am mad and lost and can't think of a place I could go and heal at. Quite time is something that happens sporadically and I hate that. I feel like I am dried out inside and don't know how to fill myself up. OH what a horrible feeling...
and God send me back to KC to graduate. A place I can connect with the biggest pain and sadness I have ever felt and.... I feel more at home here than in Poland. How weird. How nice it feels to be somewhere where I feel happy and that beyond all that I know is going on bad in here (as in every place in this sinful world) I am filled, with happiness, peace, a feeling of being where I should be.... and I am scared. Is it my humannes that is speaking out?? are the emotions taking over... do I truly hear Gods voice?? even though nothing has been said, proposed, set up... What in the world is in here that makes me wake up in the middle of the night and plan.... dream... want... and the best thing in this "night-day-dreaming" about this place is ... to serve the Lord... that I can see myself becoming who God planned me to be... to be myself, whom i have not been, it feels like for ever... Would it be really so different, not perfect, but filled with Gods purpose and just going against all that I always thought, and going excactly where God wanted me to go... I never dreamed of feeling this kind of things on this trip... so what should I do?? I pray for God's fast answer... Speak to me in such a way, so I can truly feel your plan for me!!! YOUR plan for me...
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