past, present and future

Posted by siutaa |

So here I am, sick Yet again, home, relaxing. Thinking a lot, maybe more dreaming than thinking.
I remember things that were in the past. PLaces, situations that made me happy. People that I loved and people that made me who I am...
I look at myself now... So different. So changed and I get scared sometimes, what if that new me will never leave and I will be stuck in a life where I am so dissatisfied with myself:/
And when I dream about future I hope for so many different things, but the most important is to be happy! TO love people around me and bless them as much as I can. TO be a light...

So I hope it will happen. I get excited about what is about to happen in my life... tehe next 3 months will be so fun... The changes... Oh I hope its the way it is supposed to be...

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Posted by siutaa

the promise

Posted by siutaa |

'Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord' - This is a verse where Luke is talking about Mary and her pregnancy. NO I am not pregnant but... this verse spoke to me in a special way.
I feel that God put a promise in my heart, or maybe a challange to follow Him and His way for my life. The plan He had showed me is not of easy life, but full of fight, little wars - mostly with myself- and it will be a way from which most of people will try to LOGICALLY and WISELLY turn me away from. I have many concerns about what is laid out in front of me. Especially when it is not happening at ONCE but it will take some time and patience from my person. I already had thoughts to turn away from it but after reading this verse, sorry, but even if you are my beloved friend, whom i cheerish , i will not listen to you! well maybe I will listen but God will be the one whose command and advice I will choose over yours.

I am kind of excited about this new chapter that will happen in some time soon. it will probably mean that I will not be able to have things and become a person, have a role I wanted to have on this planet, but oh well...

Freshness which does not overshadow the present is so peacful. I still am able to enjoy and try to live to the fullest the life i have right now, and that's a blessing.

Well that's all for now... Sorry I haven;t write in a while, I burned 2 laptops so no int at home and blogger is blocked at work:(

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Posted by siutaa

Thinking...

Posted by siutaa |

Sooo.... Here I am in AMERICA:) celebrating and surprising everyone around... what a great feeling:) but that's not what I planned on writing about.


For some time I am struggling with everything, life, thoughts, ideas, sin, decisions... I just can't find a place for myself. I completely lost all that I can call "will of God" in my life. I am so lost and just angry that I don't know what is the next step for me... I have a great job, my own apartment, family around, everything that I needed, at least thought that I needed. It's been 5 months since I came back from here. some might say just 5 months, some that it past so fast. I can say BOTH. It was a long time of questioning, wondering, time of process... and the weirdest thing is that I haven't found a place in there for me to feel home. Is it becuase I lived in US for so long or maybe I need some more time... I am not sure myself, I know one thing, I still, haven't found what I am looking for. My spiritual life, OH MAN... I am mad and lost and can't think of a place I could go and heal at. Quite time is something that happens sporadically and I hate that. I feel like I am dried out inside and don't know how to fill myself up. OH what a horrible feeling...

and God send me back to KC to graduate. A place I can connect with the biggest pain and sadness I have ever felt and.... I feel more at home here than in Poland. How weird. How nice it feels to be somewhere where I feel happy and that beyond all that I know is going on bad in here (as in every place in this sinful world) I am filled, with happiness, peace, a feeling of being where I should be.... and I am scared. Is it my humannes that is speaking out?? are the emotions taking over... do I truly hear Gods voice?? even though nothing has been said, proposed, set up... What in the world is in here that makes me wake up in the middle of the night and plan.... dream... want... and the best thing in this "night-day-dreaming" about this place is ... to serve the Lord... that I can see myself becoming who God planned me to be... to be myself, whom i have not been, it feels like for ever... Would it be really so different, not perfect, but filled with Gods purpose and just going against all that I always thought, and going excactly where God wanted me to go... I never dreamed of feeling this kind of things on this trip... so what should I do?? I pray for God's fast answer... Speak to me in such a way, so I can truly feel your plan for me!!! YOUR plan for me...

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Posted by siutaa

May

Posted by siutaa |

WOW, it's already MAY... I haven't writen for a while... not good...

Soooo.... Work is great.... for those who are not well informed I work as a assistant for 6 lawyers. Someday I will take photos of my view from the desk... Warsaw looks beautiful from here... Ofcourse it is a stressful job, but I think I get a hang of it... little by little.
Good that I have great people at work, we are having a lot of fun times. That always help.

Also I moved to the apartment 2 weeks ago. I live in a North part of Warsaw. It is a great place, I have amazing view on Warsaw as well. I will post some photos when we will get SUN... We hade clouds for almost a WEEK, and hopefully We will get some nice weather soon. I live next to the forest and some parks... can't wait for bike rides etc...

Well, that's all the updates on my life... If something new comes up, I will let you'ins know:)

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Posted by siutaa

Turn about

Posted by siutaa |

It's time to be thankful and not sad and depressed;) So here are few things I am SO thankful for:



1. My sweet family. Every single person is so dear and special to me. my parents, both brothers, their wives, their kids...


2. New job that is stretching me and is SO MUCH FUN, each day new things, no challenges and all


3. New friends God is putting in my life, at work mostly, it's nice to have dear people that want to be a sunshine in your day:)


4. For financial provision. I still can't believe how fast i got so well paid job. I am able to afford a apartment downtown (looking for one). I hope that after 3month probation they will want to keep me.


5. For an amazing view from my office. IT is so relaxing and nice to be able to look out of the window and enjoy the view... it's something very important and special to me:)


6. FOR COFFEE.... I finally got everything set and ready so I can use my espresso machine, and just taste and smell of coffee makes me happy... so soothing and warm:)


7. For POLISH FOOD... I miss American cousine , ofcourse, but there is nothing better then my mom's KRUPNIK, or any other soup she makes, the fruits and veggies that taste the way they should... Pierogies, Nalesniki... GOFRY!! OH... GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME:)


8. For possibility to go to the doctor and check my allergies... I have been waiting for this moment for over 5years.. I hope to start getting rid of them completely soon... can't wait to live normal life;)


9. For having loving people all around the world that I get to miss... and the sweetness of reunion, even if it is over the phone... I am so thankful for so many pleasent memories that i can treasure with all of you:)


10. FOR the LOVE - JESUS , GOD:) for all He has done on the cross, and that even when we are very troubled, mad at HIm and life and all that when we call He comes with help...
OK, I thought I lost this entry, becuase after typing it up on Friday it got lost, so out of frustration I decided to not rewrite it on the same day. But today I logged on and here it is, Thank you lord for autoSave;)
So... just to add.. I had a trying weekend:) I spend most of it with my brother, sister-in-law and their 3 loud girls... I got a cold from them and now I'm sitting at work, on a grey day sneezing and blowing my nose but, I'm still happier then last week.
I think I am gaining some strength back, and some control over my emotions and anger... It is so easy to blame it on my situation, but I should not to that. I should be happy no matter what...
SO I will be trying to keep my posts as well as everyday life more Upbeat!!:)

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Posted by siutaa

What if??

Posted by siutaa |

I have so many questions to which there are no answers... I get so sad sometimes and I wonder if I will ever get over this kind of moods??

Most of the days I'm ok, living my "new" life, dreaming of better tomorrow. But what if I will never get rid of the sadness of the past? Will I always be bitter in some aspects of my life? Will it always hunt me, whenever I hear the name, or see the face, or imagine what is it like at the other persons life?? I am sooo tired of regrets and pain... So many tears i shed and... I feel like the healing will be so hard, because of the damages in my heart that were created last year... What if my dream of better days, of happiness and the companion are not in store for me? What if I will have to, yet again, face the problems of the past and have to deal with them, and live with them, each day...

The face once so dear is so painful to look at and...

I just want to be Fully happy in JESUS again. I need to feel His love and blessing, but not in a way of physical and material provision. I need to feel love and understanding of the beloved Father, Savior, Brother... Jesus.... where and when can I find it again???

You are with me but yet I can't feel You...

I;m broken...

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Posted by siutaa

JOB!!

Posted by siutaa |

So... first week is behind me and... I AM ALREADY STRESSED OUT:)
It is irritating to not know most of things you are expected to know. But I think I am getting better. I am not SO scared of phone calls anymore, I remembered how to speak in Formal Polish:), also I think I am getting more background on law, lawyers and their assistants. What can I say... I'm scared of a short crazy-eyed lawyer who is the one who hired me... I'm wondering, what are my chances of not getting him as one of my lawyers?! LOL probably not big...
I am getting to know some people at work, even though I am still little scared of leaving my desk:/ you never know when the crazy short man will want me to connect him somwhere in the WORLD!?!?! ah... But I'm thinking that if God put me in here, He knows I can do it... I just hope I will not fail Him:)
well... :) Life is good, anyways:) I jsut spend weekend with my brother and sister-in-law... We went to see Avatar in 3D.. What a great graphics.. story was.... so so but graphics were nice... and it was just nice to hang out with people, different then my parents. Don;t get me wrong, I love them a lot, but my own apartment somewhere Futher from them then now sounds good:) You know, why to make yourself unhappy, when you can see them from time to time and love them for how wonderful they are?? LOL
Anywho.. I better find myself something to do.
:)

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